When I was younger I had a lot more, shall we say fire, passion. Maybe I was just more fearless, in some things at least. I don’t know what happened to me, I guess the world got to me. The looks. I lost my sense of drama and authenticity and the awareness of the social perceptions started to get to me. Then it flat out got to me and I receded into myself and for a while I felt like I would never be found. But screw that.
This year I’ve made a commitment to get back to myself. My unapologetic self. My self that is sure and confident and different. The me that stood out and wouldn’t let any amount of weird glaces stop me. Here’s the truth, my ‘weirdness’ has always made me stick out whether I wore it proudly or tried to hide it. It has always marked me. Now I mark myself, I’ve decided that being me is more important that social perceptions of who that person is. All well and good for a pep talk in the morning but finding yourself after you dug your own grave and got in it is not the easiest of things.
I used to love clothes, I used to be excited about clothes. I used to delight in the sway and flux of my style sense. That was one of that hallmark things that became ‘toned down’ during my period of self burring. Now I am getting lost in that again. Textures, colours, aesthetics, shapes, lines, weights. It is so sensual and so incredible. I love having that part of myself open again. A lot has changed since I explored my style. A lot of things about the way that I feel comfortable have morphed and expanded. Navigating that new landscape is tricky and perilous at times. I have to find the lines between hiding myself again and making myself uncomfortable. I’m trying to remember that I’m in this to feel good. To feel confident and to feel like myself. Now the ways that I feel like that are a little different. I feel the most powerful and cool in different silhouettes than I used to. It’s about a feeling.
Growing up I desperately wanted to fit into a box. Yes, I wanted to fit into a box. ANY BOX. I know that might sound ridiculous and priviliaged but that was my experience. I never did fit into any of the boxes. Maybe nobody does, maybe most people do all I know for sure is I never did. I was always too that to be this and too this to be that. It was devistating. The way I saw it was not having any dedication. I felt like I didn’t have the dedication to stick to anything. Like anything at all. I didn’t have the dedication to stick to a style, an interest, a passion, a dream. Whatever it might be. I would get hooked on things so hard and then in a day or a week or a month the next thing would swing by and I would be hooked on that. The world I lived in saw that as a major character flaw and also a difference. Even if it wasn’t straight out being ridiculed it was being noticed, the way I burned through things in a way other people just didn’t. That conciousness that all my sides and energy and flitting was different and often times ‘bad’ made me hate it and try so so so hard to change. I still have to fight that urge to see it as negative every single day. But now I’m not fighting to change myself, I’m fighting to change the way I see myself.
I want to embrace the biggest part of myself, my variance. I am dynamic, ever changing, ever evolving, ever moving. I am energetic and passionate and diverse in my knowledge and love. With my attention issues comes a lot of things that are difficult, because yes, I have ADHD and that is a big part of why I am the way I am. But there are also a lot of things that are beautiful and my lack of ability to be confided is one of them. Boxes can be wonderful and there is nothing wrong with being a specialist or highly focused person, there is nothing wrong with fitting in boxes or being neurotypical, that is an extraordinary journey in its own right. But so is mine. There is nothing wrong with me. Finally, I am trying to accept that. To open myself to it. To see just how many sides and how many mes I can discover and love and embody. I’m sick of stuffing myself into boxes that I’m always falling out of anyway. I will never fit well into the lines of society because the truth is society was not made for people like me. It wasn’t made for ADHD folks but it is getting a little more understanding, that’s for sure. I know that I don’t belong in the boxes or the lines, I am the space between the lines. Half inside the boxes. I am the beautiful disaster that flops in and makes things come together that never touched before. That is something I am still coming to learn, still learning to accept and still losing myself in but one thing I know for sure is: I’m done pretending to be something and someone I’m not. I get to be myself now. All of myself, without exception.